Unbroken : It Gets Better.

James Baldwin once said "People pay for what they do, and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it very simply; by the lives they lead.". I woke up that day, it was a beautiful morning, I looked up and I saw her face... She smiled, I smiled back, it was incredible. I had no idea there was something missing... My FATHER, but this not a story about disappointment. This is a love story. That was the first rejection and my first victory. And so... Life goes on. I grew up a little, I was a happy child, until I reached my teenage years... I was a little awkward and as luck would have, my voice didn't fully develop... Someone records me speaking and passes the tape around school. I would become the most ridiculed person in school. I started to stutter and as I grew older, I started to panic every time a phone rings, I never wanted to talk again. A little piece of me died that day... My spirit withered, this will become my life. But...you learn to live with it and you grow. Second victory.

Life started to change, the torment became violent, I got beat up and chased everyday on my way home. A bigger piece of me died, I gave in... I allowed myself to be a victim. One day one of them caught up with me... I was too tired and I decided to take it. Got punched on my mouth and broke a few teeth. I would never be able to smile. I carry this as a scar. My mum thinks it makes me cute...another victory. Going through this, I couldn't make friends, I lived in constant fear that they would turn against me. A few that I had became exactly what I feared, as it were... The universe gives you what you focus on. But in there, I would find two of my truest friends. This will be another victory. High school was suddenly over. I made it... I could see myself being something... Someone. The darkness would surprisingly spread faster. New place, new people and new environment. I was lost. The torment started from inside this time. Chronic headaches. Until one day I passed out. When I came to... It was three days later, and the result was "I am sorry, there's a mass in your head. We can't remove it, it could turn you into a vegetable". This would be the year my grandmother died, my world was set on fire. The world slowed down for a minute, and it spun so fast... I could hear my heart beating like drums in my ears, I went to sleep. There would be no victory. I woke up... Finally, I couldn't be in school for a few weeks, and when I got back, it was too late, I was low on my credit hours. I had to drop out. I drank. And I got my first job. I would be a bartender. These would be the happiest days of my life. No one was focusing on me. I had no time to focus on myself. It felt good to be oblivious. But as time went by, the darkness grew louder. But I was alive. This will be a victory. I decided I was done with the life I let myself live and I came home. It would be a struggle for a while. But it got better. I got into school. I made good grades... I was happy for a while. I finished, but I couldn't get a job. The darkness returned... This time, it was ten fold. I would eventually get a job and I met the most incredible person there... This person would change my life. I learned how to be positive. How to take care of myself. And how to love again. Most importantly, how love and appreciate myself. Vodka... I mean... Victory... I fell in love and it felt good to be so loved. It felt better to love so selflessly... There is something about revealing yourself to love that leaves you breathless. It was beautiful but then...it changed, it got so bad, I thought marriage would fix it... I proposed, I got rejected. I could feel the darkness coming back. This is the year I got my first heart attack. My heart was literally broken. I straightened out. I beat it... This would be a victory. Once you feel what its like to love and be loved like I was for a while... You crave it, you keep trying. And I did, I always got my heart broken. You never get used to being a reject. It kills you every time you think about it. It kills you every time it happens. I did have love in my life... I loved myself. This was not a loss.

I was content. I wasn't living... I was surviving. Then I was crippled by the lack of appreciation in other areas of my life. Betrayed by the person I trusted the most. Death of two of my family members and a death of a friend. And I got sick at the most inopportune time. I thought for sure this would end me. But I have never been more positive. Maybe there's nothing left inside... Or maybe it will never be as bad. Well... Thats what I wanted to believe.

Then I met the most incredible person. God's masterpiece. The glimmer in those eyes reminded me of Christmas morning in 1998. (The sun hit my grandma's glasses and the light reflected formed what looked like a halo. She was my angel.), I saw that again in those eyes. The most incredible smell that I can't get out of my mind. The silly laugh that rang truer than anything I ever heard.The sound that could have angels cry. The smile that stopped me on my tracks every time it flashed. This is a victory. This would be love.

But this was a dream. I am awake. And I feel diseased, I feel disgusting, I am a little lost again. But this is a flitting feeling. Love, light and greatness is looking for me. And I am here. I am ready.

A. R. Lucas also wrote "If there's even a slight chance at getting something that makes you happy, risk it. Life's too short and happiness is too rare."